Comic Me

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 21:25:25 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Yo, 'sup?

This is my introduction, as the only unintroduced frosh so far. If you
don't like it, I have a machine gun you might want to see -- I can show it
to you one bullet at a time.

I grew up in New Jersey, the armpit of America. I come from a large
family: I have twelve brothers. Their names are Reuben, Simeon, Levi,
Napthali, Issachar, Asher, Dan, Zebulun, Gad, Benjamin, Judah, and Joseph.
I was born between Zebulun and Gad. My parents named me Anna to continue
with the Biblical theme.

My hobbies include hunting in the woods of New Jersey, fishing, taxidermy,
paintball, and golf. With the profits from my taxidermy skills, I'm saving
up to buy a fur coat for the winter months.

My favorite foods include rare (still moving!) steak, venison, squid, and
caviar.

My favorite song is Tom Lehrer's Hunting Song (Poisoning Pigeons in the
Park comes in a close second...).

My favorite movies include Terminator, all the Rambo movies, Rocky I-III (I
don't like the later ones), Anne of Green Gables, and Apocalypse Now.

I'm planning on majoring in Electrical Engineering with a concentration in
computer science. I want to work in Silicon Valley right after college.
With a silicon valley salary, I'll be able to afford trips to Africa to go
on hunting expeditions and see a completely new set of potential targets.

I'm not going to list my incest web connections now; I'll put them in a
separate message when I have enough time to type them all in. I do think
that I've increased the number of connections by a fair bit last weekend,
unfortunately my memory of the events is rather hazy...

                            __
                         /   >
*                        /   /________________________________________________
(O)77777777777) 7                                                                                                `~~--__
8OO>>>>>>>>>>] <===           Anna, Warrior Princess                                               __-
(O)LLLLLLLLL) L________________________________________________.--~~
*           \ \
                               \__>

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 22:10:18 -0400
Subject: I can't believe they've forced me to do this!

Well, I'm the only frishlingman of oh-nought who hasn't introduced herself
yet. Someone (or some people) seem to have taken it upon themselves to do
it for me, and I need to set the record straight.

I haven't hunted in years. I'm not from New Jersey, I grew up in Southern
California -- near the Claremont area. I'm an only child and I like it
that way. My parents asked me if I'd rather have a kitten or a brother,
and I chose the kitten and never regretted it.

I don't wear fur -- in fact, two years ago I dumped a bucket of paint
(pink, in fact) on someone wearing a fur coat. Fortunately they didn't see
my face, so no charges were pressed.

My favorite color is pink. In fact, I'm considering dying my hair pink one
of these days. Alastair looked quite smashing in green. Any comments on
the Kool-Aid versus Jello issue?

I don't eat meat -- I'm actually a vegan. As I often say, "I'm not a
vegetarian because I love animals, but because I hate plants."

My hobbies are knitting, counting the dots on the ceiling, philately,
activism, and lacrosse.

My favorite movies are Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Gone with
the Wind.

I don't like computers at all or any of the sciences -- especially the lab
sciences. I don't know the first thing about computers, and was shocked
when they mocked my computer because it's a PC. I'm planning on majoring
in french literature.

I have NO connections to the incest web, if they tell you I do, it's a lie!
Really, I swear.

-Anna (the REAL Anna this time!)

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 23:14:27 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: I can't believe they've forced me to do this!

On Wed, 4 Dec 1996, Anna (I am tempted to guess who wrote this, but am
not certain. I must sleuth a little more first. Stay tuned for more
guesses.)Hess wrote:

> Well, I'm the only frishlingman of oh-nought who hasn't introduced herself
> yet. Someone (or some people) seem to have taken it upon themselves to do
> it for me, and I need to set the record straight.
Fish!

> I haven't hunted in years. I'm not from New Jersey, I grew up in Southern
> California -- near the Claremont area. I'm an only child and I like it
> that way. My parents asked me if I'd rather have a kitten or a brother,
> and I chose the kitten and never regretted it.
It's true - I haven't hunted in years, seventeen to be exact. But growing
up with a farming family, I knew quite a few hunters who were wonderful
people. If you ever need someone on your side for an environmental issue,
look to the small hunter/gatherers. They also know all of the old lore -
like what ginseng and solomon's seal heal. (Sorry, had to put in a good
word for hunters. I know it seems odd, but they can be good people.)
Don't I wish my parents had asked me before giving me a younger sibling!
If any of you think that I might be from CA, please reread the last
message I sent in.

> I don't wear fur -- in fact, two years ago I dumped a bucket of paint
> (pink, in fact) on someone wearing a fur coat. Fortunately they didn't see
> my face, so no charges were pressed.
Ackkkk! I hate pink!!!!!! So the moral of this story is, when you dump
GREEN paint over the head of someone wearing a fur coat, don't let them
see your face(?)

> My favorite color is pink. In fact, I'm considering dying my hair pink one
> of these days. Alastair looked quite smashing in green. Any comments on
> the Kool-Aid versus Jello issue?
Alastair's hair DID look nice. But it was GREEN, not pink. And a word to
the wise - don't dye your hair with Kool-Aid in the summer. I can't vouch
for Jello, but I would say the same bee issue would arise. (Not speaking
from personal experience, of course.)

> I don't eat meat -- I'm actually a vegan. As I often say, "I'm not a
> vegetarian because I love animals, but because I hate plants."
Be nice to plants! I wish I had the restraint to be a vegan, but every
time I get ready to make the vow, someone sends forged email from my
address and I get hungry. <evil grin>

> My hobbies are knitting, counting the dots on the ceiling, philately,
> activism, and lacrosse.
I will learn to knit some day - hopefully in another life. Counting dots
on the ceiling can be entertaining, especially in math class (how can one
keep entertained without believing that the subject being taught really
exists.) I did try stamp collecting for a few days, until I figured out
that it was far more entertaining to steam the envelopes open than to
steam the stamps off. Never tried lacrosse or activism (well, maybe a bit
of the latter.)

> My favorite movies are Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and Gone with
> the Wind.
Never seen any of them except Breakfast at Tiffany's which I liked but was
horrified to learn had a happy ending, unlike the book.

> I don't like computers at all or any of the sciences -- especially the lab
> sciences. I don't know the first thing about computers, and was shocked
> when they mocked my computer because it's a PC. I'm planning on majoring
> in french literature.
The computer part is right, but I must vote for lab sciences. Bio is
wonderful (except when they make us shock earthworms and kill baby
chickens! I am now repenting by walking out in the rain as much as
possible and saving earthworms from certain destruction by taking them off
the sidewalk.) I wasn't shocked. All computer people think their
computer is best - luckily, I have no such notions<G>! Forget the french
part.

> I have NO connections to the incest web, if they tell you I do, it's a lie!
> Really, I swear.
Actually, I do, but I refuse to allow anyone to tell how!

>
> -Anna (the REAL Anna this time!)
Not quite, but how is anyone to know that even I am the real Anna?
Perhaps I am my evil twin! Wahaha!
Oh, and on the false intro note, I am going to sleep, so don't expect any
more rebuttals until tomorrow afternoon.

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 23:27:37 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: I can't believe they've forced me to do this!

Will people stop sending in emails from me?! I won't attach the HUGE
rebuttal someone was kind enought to write for me, but will just say thank
you. It was almost true. (They're getting better: first outuniversish,
then outgalaxyish, and now just outlandish. I hesitate to think that the
next one might <gasp> be TRUE!)

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 22:53:47 -0500 (EST)
Subject: Re: Yo, 'sup?

I must admit that you are all very entertaining! <G> I don't know which
one I like better - this intro or the next one. Although neither are
QUITE true, I was tempted to see who would write in as me next. I must
add my rebuttals, so this might get quite long.

On Wed, 4 Dec 1996, Anna (in name only. I'm going to have to learn how to
do that!) Hess wrote:

> This is my introduction, as the only unintroduced frosh so far. If you
> don't like it, I have a machine gun you might want to see -- I can show it
> to you one bullet at a time.
Actually, there are MANY other unintroduced frosh (have you had over four
hundred introductions from people you've never heard of? I thought not.),
and I am not even a SWIL non-member yet (and seriously reconsidering being
dismembered Saturday. (Just kidding, Melissa and Joe! When have I ever
lied to you?) Of course, that is just a technicality, but technicalities
MUST be good for something. I will not even deign to reply to the machine
gun part, for reasons anyone who knows me could guess. :-)

> I grew up in New Jersey, the armpit of America. I come from a large
> family: I have twelve brothers. Their names are Reuben, Simeon, Levi,
> Napthali, Issachar, Asher, Dan, Zebulun, Gad, Benjamin, Judah, and Joseph.
> I was born between Zebulun and Gad. My parents named me Anna to continue
> with the Biblical theme.
Is New Jersey really the armpit of America? How amazing! I've lived my
whole life up to this point thinking that California is the armpit of
America. I must consult a bible expert before I reply to the other part,
so I'll get back with that tomorrow.

> My hobbies include hunting in the woods of New Jersey, fishing, taxidermy,
> paintball, and golf. With the profits from my taxidermy skills, I'm saving
> up to buy a fur coat for the winter months.
Close...but not quite. <G> Take away the New Jersey part, the guns, the
fish hooks, the dead animals and you are almost there. I don't know what
paintball is - see bible note above - but I DID disect a golfball once!
See note FAR above for the fur coat statement.

> My favorite foods include rare (still moving!) steak, venison, squid, and
> caviar.
The rare part is right - about once a month (year, decade, ...?)

> My favorite song is Tom Lehrer's Hunting Song (Poisoning Pigeons in the
> Park comes in a close second...).
Actually, I thought that was quite amusing, or maybe it was just the
person singing it (Just kidding! You weren't singing badly at all, it was
just the duet nature of the song that grated on my nerve(s).) And I was
entertained by the pigeon song.

> My favorite movies include Terminator, all the Rambo movies, Rocky I-III (I
> don't like the later ones), Anne of Green Gables, and Apocalypse Now.
Please.

> I'm planning on majoring in Electrical Engineering with a concentration in
> computer science. I want to work in Silicon Valley right after college.
> With a silicon valley salary, I'll be able to afford trips to Africa to go
> on hunting expeditions and see a completely new set of potential targets.
Yes, of course. This was obviously written by a stranger with no
knowledge of how long it took me to paste 10 lines of commands into my
condor account yesterday. Or maybe just an optimist with utmost respect
for my memory <breaking down into a fit of hysterical laughter> I WOULD
like to go to Africa though - but first I must decide who was the author
of this introduction and tell them about this unique job opportunity in
Africa. (you see, there's this high-paying job down in africa - looks
great on resumes- all you have to do is stand out on the savannah with a
red circle painted on your shirt. We're trying to figure out whether
elephants can see color. Really... would I lie to you?)

> I'm not going to list my incest web connections now; I'll put them in a
> separate message when I have enough time to type them all in. I do think
> that I've increased the number of connections by a fair bit last weekend,
> unfortunately my memory of the events is rather hazy...
Sure.

>
>                               __
>                              /   >
>   *                        /   /________________________________________________
> (O)77777777777) 7                                                                                                `~~--__
> 8OO>>>>>>>>>>] <===           Anna, Warrior Princess                                               __-
> (O)LLLLLLLLL) L________________________________________________.--~~
>   *           \ \
>                                \__>
>
>

I have to keep this! I can't believe someone went to all the trouble of
drawing such a beautiful flatworm just for me so that I would have a sig!
Thank you ! Thank you!
You notice I still haven't introduced myself?

Date: Wed, 4 Dec 1996 23:48:22 -0500
Subject: Joel forging an introduction... to Joel?

This introduction was originally going to be forged to Anna Hess's name,
but I think it's much more entertaining if I claim it as myself.

I was born in Alaska, land of the midnight headaches. My mother was a
polar bear and my father smelt of elderberries. When I was five, my family
moved to Nebraska. The climate was too warm for my mother and she moved
back to Alaska. I have three brothers and one sister. My cousin was the
polar bear in the summer's movie _Alaska_. I was raised by my father in
Nebraska and had to walk to school in waist deep snow uphill both ways.

I am considerd the world's greatest bungee jumper from heights under five
feet. I once wrote an entire database program using the letter 'o' since
we didn't have '1's or 'zero's. My crowning achievement, however, was
being the first person to remove part of the Berlin Wall. However, this
was before tearing down the Berlin Wall became popular and I served the
next ten years of my life in a German prison. After my release, I went to
Australia and discovered five new classes of animals. I escaped from
Alcatraz. My mother was not a lizard.

I sleep with the lights blinding me in my eyes and I am up with the
rooster. I sleep on a bed of nails and brush my teeth with barbed wire.
My old rooster, Sillabub, jumped on the woodpile to crow one morning and
froze just like that. I make wolves get laryngitis. I do not shout
"Will*Jill*Hester*Chester*Peter *Polly*Tim*Tom*Mary*Larry*and little
Claendria. I did catch a fish that grew a winter coat, however. And my
snowman went south for the winter.

I enjoy sticking my fingers into electric outlets after I shower. I enjoy
drinking oil. Black stuff really gets me going in the morning. Do you
want to buy a duck? I am considered the world's worst fabricator of
stories. I came to Swarthmore College.